It had been a long morning. We had languished over our lunch of lentils and rice and were running late into circle time and nap. Every day, at the end of lunch, the children go to the bathroom, wash their hands and face, and brush their teeth. Today the last of the children were just finishing up washing their faces when it was time for nap. This is when I made my mistake. James was reaching for his toothbrush when I said, “We’ve run out of time James, you’ll have to skip toothbrushing today.” James dissolved into tears and fell to the floor, deeply distraught and full of sadness and frustration.
My thinking was clear, James had taken a long time to clear his lunch dishes, toilet, and wash up, and a natural consequence was not having time to brush his teeth. What I failed to recognize was that toddlers have no notice of time, but instead order appears as routine and consistency and is very strong in them. James had no notion that he was running out of time in his clean up activities, in fact, most of our day allows for our toddlers to take their time. I also failed to recognize James’s developing personality, for some children a change in routine is manageable but I knew James depended on routine for him to feel a sense of control in his life. I missed two classic triggers for tantrums and on cue, James responded.
I kept James safe as he cried and let him know that I was with him to help. After a few minutes James stopped crying and I offered him a hug. We sat on the floor together and cuddled for several minutes and then James toddled off to his cot for a nap. I let him know that I saw his frustration in not being able to brush his teeth and that we would make sure that he would have time after nap. I didn’t rush to get his toothbrush for him in the moment, nor go back on my decision that toothbrushing time was over, but I did make a mental note that in the future I’d let James go ahead and brush his teeth even if we were into nap time.
This is just one of the thousands of anecdotes that I have from working with young children over the years. I spend a lot of time preparing myself to remain calm, learn the personalities of the children to understand their own personal triggers, and sit with them to keep them safe as they experience their emotions. I’m always there with a hug when it’s all over and ready to help them re-engage in their daily activities and make amends when necessary.
I act as the children’s pre-frontal cortex. I help children regulate their emotions. Children’s pre-frontal cortexes are still developing and they need adults to help them feel emotions safely, understand them and learn how to regulate them. I never shame a child or punish them for big feelings and I work hard not to be embarrassed or apologize for my own children when we are out in public and they are having a tantrum. I know that young children, especially, have very little control over their lives and that when a routine changes, or their order is thrown off that loss of control is felt very deeply. When a young child is hungry, tired or over-stimulated they can’t always understand why they feel cranky or out of control and they need us to help them out. These little ones live in a world of giants that dictate their lives and big emotions are one of the ways small children have to let the adults in their lives know that they feel something is wrong and need our help.
Children gain control over their emotions over time. By acknowledging and validating their work and by understanding why they are feeling the way they are, we respect the children and they gain a deeper foundation of what it means to be human.
For more tips check out my free resource on Supporting your Child Through their Big Emotions in the Resource section of this website.